I Suffer from the Dis-Ease of Self-Loathing

I’ve suffered the pain and loneliness of migraine headaches and disorders relating to a severely broken digestive system for what seems like forever. My dis-ease has taken me out of the picture of many a special occasion through the years, and it’s taken me out of the humdrum occasions, too, all of which aggravates my dis-ease and causes me more pain and loneliness.

Here’s the kicker: Now, I’m so used to not being there—at the birthday party or the baby shower or the graduation ceremony or the anniversary gathering—when I’m there, I’m still not there. I’m uncomfortable. I feel out of place.

It’s a vicious cycle.

What’s more intense than the fear of the unknown? The fear of the known.

I know this: Isolation happens because you don’t feel well and then stress happens because of the isolation. The combination creates the perfect shit storm of self-loathing.

Who’s to blame for the way I’m feeling? I guess I could go back into my childhood and blame the action or inaction of the influential people in my life, but blame helps no one and hurts everyone, so I don’t blame like I used to.

I don’t know for sure what happened to create this fear of connection in me, this willingness to sabotage my happiness and to taint my comfortable feelings of acceptance, but I do know for sure that whatever it is/was is ugly, cruel, and complicated.

The title of my memoir is “My Absentee Life” because…

I go out of my way to miss the gathering, to miss the celebration, to miss the opportunity to get to know people, including my own family, on a deeper level.

Do you really know truth? If you do, it will stay true to you even when you turn your back on it.

I’m blessed to have some true family and friends in my life who if I brought my fear to the table would not fault me for it. Although, with so much empty space between us now, it would be asking a lot for them to understand completely.

Too bad much of my truth is still in hiding. Too bad no one has come looking for it, not even me.

I’ll be truthful with you about something I haven’t admitted to anyone. I am, in a way, a loner. I am, at times, lonely but also, I am in tune to the fact that I AM the consciousness I seek.

Will my circumstances change?

Will I ever again allow myself to connect and be vulnerable?

Will I ever again allow myself to get to know my extended family and friends in real time, face-to-face, on a deeper level?

Will I ever stop hating on myself?

I need more time to figure it out.

Time: Both pleasure and pain tell her story.


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